Confessions of a Mother’s Heart
February 9th, 2008 by Jenni
I’m drinking a cup of tea. Not coffee, I would normally drink a cup of coffee with chocolate syrup and cream on a night like tonight. But I am a good girl. Okay that is not totally true. I’m drinking tea more out of guilt, guilt that stems from my previous consumption of animal crackers (I know that sounds so innocent but just wait) dipped in melted chocolate mixed with peanut butter. And let’s just say I didn’t eat only one. Okay, it feels good to get that off my chest. My true reason for needing chocolate? My husband is at a men’s retreat and I am home alone with the kids (all four of them, remember?). But I’m okay, really. I do this all the time, I’m a pro. If I am a pro then why is it that when husband is gone, for any amount of time, more than usual it seems the grace just seems to wane thin? I have no idea.
Well, that wasn’t what I was going to write about but there it is. Part of me, and part of me is my strange sense of humor. I’m a thinker, I also love to write and I write blog posts in my head all day long. Does that seem strange? I’ve done that as long as I can remember, I started journaling at 12 and have journaled ever since. Sometimes I think too much, sometimes I worry too much about stuff, and sometimes I worry too much about what others think of me. That is what I really wanted to talk about tonight. The Lord has really opened my eyes to see what’s in my heart about some mothering issues and I wanted to write about it to process and share with some of you, who would like to read a book tonight ;)
The other night I was listening to a book review on the book titled, “The Danger’s of Raising Nice Children.” The premise to this book is basically, we don’t want to raise children who appear to be “nice” on the outside but on the inside they have no character and no love for God. And I will say right now that would be my biggest fear in life, my adult children despising God. The thought makes me sick to my stomach, and as a young lady (before I met and married Chris) that very thought had made me think that I did not ever want to have children. I’m so glad that the Lord has transformed my thinking in that area and has taught me how to trust in His covenant.
One of the things that the author (sorry I can’t remember his name) was saying, was that we women often put so much personal value into our children’s behavior. Our husbands don’t struggle with this as much because they put their value into their work, while for many of us, our work is the children’s behavior. And let’s be honest, how many of us have thought less of a woman who’s child is screaming wildly in the store. I wish I could say that I don’t judge, but I can’t. See, I’m guilty and I know that other’s are guilty, and even knowing that, I still put my value into how other’s view my children and ultimately me. “Are they thinking that I’m not very good at training my children because my child is throwing a fit during church?” Or have you ever thought this before? “Mrs. Smith’s kids are always so well behaved, I wish I was as good of a mom as her.”
The truth is, we all have faults! Including all of our children! Now it may be that one of Mrs. Smith’s strengths happens to be consistency in discipline. Is it okay to covet her strengths, and indirectly despise your own children because of your weaknesses? Absolutely not. It is okay to see Mrs. Smith, admire her strengths, talk to her about some of her tips in child behavior and then begin to try some. I know that I personally have had this knawing feeling about my kids, and this week I feel as though the truth has set me free.
This is what really did it for me. The author was talking about how we need to keep long term goals our focus, not childhood behavior. If you want your child to obtain self control, then let your goal be for that child to obtain it in the next, say, 20 years. Not two or three. Know that your children will make mistakes, they will fail, they will throw fits. Don’t sweat it, they are children. Help them to succeed by setting obtainable goals for them.
Here’s an example of an unabtainable goal:
To my four-year-old: Okay Aidan, go clean the living room. (I know that at 4, and knowing his personality, Aidan is not capable of this broad instruction, he is far too dis tractable and will most assuredly forget my instructions within the first five seconds of hearing them. Then what do I do? I have to discipline him, but how many times?)
Here’s and example of an obtainable goal:
To my four-year-old: “Okay Aidan, I am going to set the timer for ten minutes. I want you to go into the livingroom and pick up all the legos you can find. Put your things down so you can work. Remember to stay focused and work and show mom how hard and fast you can work.” Now I set the timer and go into the room with him to make sure he’s started. I check on him every 15-20 seconds, and remind him to work quickly the whole time. I have a positive and “cheering on” attitude so that he doesn’t feel nagged but encouraged. When he has finished with an extra four minutes to spare I tell him that he can play during the remaining time and then I will give him another task. Believe it or not, the boys now love their chore time, and I know that they love the results they see, the fruit of their labors.
Do you see the difference? In the first scenario (I’m giving these from personal experience, a little trial and error), I am expecting a focused, hard working 4 year old. I’m frustrated that he is not there yet, “why can’t you seem to remember what I told you to do for a stinking minute?!!!” But in the second scenario my goals are long-term. I’m seeking to produce a young man who is a hard worker. I know he’s not there yet but I’m praising the little “signs” along the way, and let me tell you, he’s loving it. This morning when we were doing our chores Aidan wanted me to add more time to the clock, and then used his play time to vacuum because I “forgot” to tell him to do that. Now tell me if that would bless you or not, hard working mommy?
Well, I have hope. And I put my hope, not in what I see today but in what I cannot see. My hope is not in my ability to raise my own children. Not in my love for them or in how “good” they may seem. My hope is in the Lord and in His covenants. As I follow His commands, by His grace and by His promise, He gives me the daily wisdom I need to train up these children. No mother, no matter how good of a mom she is, can mother my children better. Because God didn’t give them to her, He put these babies into my womb and then placed them into my hands and He also gave me the ability to teach them and train them and guide. So to the mother with a downcast heart, arise. Put your faith in the Lord. He is the giver of life and will cause that sweet mothering heart to live within you. Your kids don’t need you to be like me, or like any other woman out there. They need you to be you, just like God made you.
So this is my desire. To stop comparing myself to others, and start living the life that Jenni is called to live. And to be at peace with who I am and who my children are today. I know that Guenna wont be throwing fits like she does now, at age 21, and I thank the Lord for that! She is a beautiful woman in the making, and I thank God that He has entrusted me with such an important job, helping to mold this precious little woman into the image of God. What an incredible honor! Thank you Father for all these blessings, they are so beautiful.
Wow Jen! One doesn’t really have words to comment on this post with any depth. Thanks for pouring out your heart! What a beautiful revelation. I agree wholely and will pray that for you! Love you and take lots of deep breaths while Chris is away! Don’t sweat the small stuff! Messes can sometimes wait. (You knew all that already)
Jenni, Take this into tomorrow and the next day and so on. I would say that YOU GOT IT. Ona(23) no longer has to run the house Elizabeth(20) no longer sucks a pacifier. Nic(18) no longer seeks to destroy his first-born sister and Elisha(17) now sets his alarm and gets up to it,instead of sleeping until noon!! Yet when they were younger I thought these very things would follow them ALL THE DAYS OF THEIR LIVES. As the years went by their love for our Saviour grew and they actually started reading their Bible without my instruction and began laying down childish ways. Mothering, is a very self-critical job! We are wakened in the night by an evil voice that says we are failing in the very job we were created to do…..Mothering! Jenni, by reading your blog daily you show us that you are an awesome wife and mother.(not perfect),but today reading your blog we see your hope in the Lord and as an older mom I can say that without Him we live on that very voice that comes in the night. I love your heart Jenni I love that you miss your houseband I love how you learn from a 5 3 2 and baby I love the places your take me on your blog I love how you trust our SAVIOUR in your daily living!!
Good Morning Jenni!! Have a beautiful day and when your lover walks through the door(from his wonderful refreshing mens retreat)smile at him appreciate him through your arms around him and enjoy him!!!
You are wonderful Jenni!!
Love Kelley
Hi, I know we have never met. I randomly found your blog and have really enjoyed reading it.
What a great post Jenni, I love reading your blog and hearing your heart.
Wow, I really needed to hear the things you spoke about in your blog today. It’s nice to know that there are other people that struggle with the same things I do at times.
Sigh. I wish I would have known/read this kind of stuff when I was raising my own kids…I was always second-guessing myself, and comparing my kids to other peoples’ children. Boy, did mine ever fight! I did read a good book (although not a Christian book) by John Rosemond called The 6-Point Plan to Happy, Healthy Kids when my kids were about 1/2 grown that helped me a lot. My kids didn’t have the benefit of a good, loving Christian father either. The choices we make when young WILL haunt us, as in WHO you marry! But now my kids are nearing 30, and I agree with Kelley (hello from one “older mom” to another!)that the early training does pay off. Now my kids call me with their own parenting problems “Mom, we can’t get Brock to quit sucking his thumb!” my reply: “He’s 6, let him suck his thumb. If he’s 18 and still sucking it, you have a problem.” I was so short-tempered and impatient when mine were little too. Yell, yell, yell. And now most of that stuff is SOOO not important. I still can’t be around a wild, rude, unmannerly child for very long (and we’ve all seen them) and I do believe in basic discipline, with a hefty dose of kindness though. However, I am much more understanding about childrens’ behavior than when I was young. Bless you young moms who are figuring things out and choosing to raise your kids according to what the Lord wants from them, not some irrational expectations we put on them. And I agree with you Jenni, we shouldn’t compare our parenting to everybody elses. Keep up the good work, girls!
Well, it was meant for me to read your blog today! And I recently heard a speaker point out that men need cheerleaders. Our boys need cheering on, our husbands need an encouraging wife. There’s a reason that so many sports (especially for kids) have cheerleaders on the sidelines. I want to be a mom who encourages her children in the right path, not nags them on it!
I think you worte that for me. Ever read something and feel like the original writer was looking into your heart and saying each word to you? That is exactly what that just felt like. I’ll blog about it this week so you know what I mean :-)
May I take just a little credit for raising this amazing young woman?! All I can say is, “Wow!!” Jen, I know you don’t feel as if you are doing an awesome job as a mother, but I see that you are! I hope I was just a little bit of inspiration to you. I know that I felt the same inadequacies as you feel, and feel still that I failed you in some ways, but I raised some wonderful children who are (and are going to be :) wonderful parents, so I must have done something right ! :) Aidan will grow to be a wonderful husband and father like his Papa, but with the added strengths he will acquire from you and Chris. Guenna will grow up to be a wonderful young lady like her Auntie Tamara, and Eamon and Cait and your future children will all grow up to emulate the Christlike spirit that they are learning from their parents and other Christian adults in their lives. It is nice to know that while parents are the most important teachers in their children’s lives, they are not the only ones who are in a sense responsible for raising their children…”it takes a village to raise a child”, and some times the village extends many miles! Well, I’m rambling now…and I have to be at work early tomorrow, so…I love you much!!!
I too randomly found your blog and have been visiting frequently for a while now. This is the first time I have felt like I had something useful to say. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given was from one of the nurses in the NICU when my son was a baby. She told me, “He’ll do what he does when he does it.” I have used that advice so often over the years. My son has developmental delays so I have had to learn to take each milestone and situation one at a time and also to realize that my husband and I are raising this child and know him best. There have been people who wanted us to do things differently or have thought they could “do it better”. I have had to learn to trust God, listen to my son, and do what I felt was best in each given situation. I think it’s time we all let ourselves off the “guilt hook” and realized we are raising individuals who will grow to be Godly men and women because that is what God promised in His Word. “Raise up a child in Godly ways and they will not depart from it.”
Oh Jenni, This was an amazing post of your heart as a wife and mother. It is so true that we wonder what others are thinking about us, and often times we are quick to change what we are doing to “look” better or seem to be doing the “right thing” only in someone elses eyes. I have been the mom in the store watching other kids thinking “oh my goodness” and have been the mom with the red face as my child throws a tantrum because he can’t have the gum in the checkout isle. But, I have learned that every moment I can invest in my children what needs to be invested. And I am accountable to raising my children by the standards that God has called me to. I too have long grown tired of feeling like I am always being judged and your right, about not just raising Nice kids on the outside. It’s about raising godly, responsible, caring kids on the inside. Man looks on the outside, but God judges the heart. Mothering is not for the faint of heart! It takes courage and lots of lots of our own self discipline on our parts to gently mold and grow and plant wonderful children. Way to go, Jenni! I am proud of you!
Wow ladies, I am overwhelmed with the response to this post. I guess that this topic kind of strikes a cord in many of us. Thank you all for your encouraging words and to those of you who’ve commented for the first, thank you so much! I plan to respond to you all individually but then again, you know how it goes :) Blessings as you mother your babies, or grandbabies!!